


Sad but happy enough

by Frechi



Series: #HQAngstWeek2020 [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: "I can't lose you too/this too.", Defeat, Indication of Eating Disorder, Indication of self-harm, Photographs, Sensitivity, indication of anxiety, indication of bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:55:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27366904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frechi/pseuds/Frechi
Summary: I didn't count the times but I still know how many scars you bear on your heart, how much it got torn by others. Because I felt it myself everytime when you were like this again.It was a difficult time. With every tear you shed, I could sense that you were closer to giving up. And one day, when you came back, it was worse than strangers invading our home.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: #HQAngstWeek2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1994737
Kudos: 6





	Sad but happy enough

**Author's Note:**

> Day 3 of HQAngstWeek:  
> •Photographs  
> •Defeat  
> •"I can't lose you too/this too."
> 
> Please do not use my work for anything!

It is late and I know you will be here any minute. So I wait at the front door. I wait for your footsteps and your smell. I wait for the silent noise that you cause when you unlock the door.  
I look outside the window, waiting for your shadow to move, I wait for your appereance to appear. I wait until I sense you, to jump from the windowsill again and sit down in front of the door.  
Then I hear the metal lock and you finally open the door. As always, I jump at you, trying to sneak past to take a walk in the outside. And I meow complainingly when you catch me just by my tail and drag me back inside, your voice sounding a little annoyed and angered. But when I roam around your legs, welcomimg you home, you always ease up and I feel you relax. I meet your hand that fondles the fur at my back.  
I always greet you that way and you always welcome me like that.

And sometimes you just stop by and eat a little. I always then sit by your feet begging for you to share with me as your food is the best there is. Even if it's out of a human can, if I can eat with you, everything tastes better. Although you often refuse to feed me your food, there are times when you take a little piece and give it to me, like today. And I lick your fingers all clean, just like you licked your bowl clean when you were still a kitten. But sometimes, when you refuse to feed me, I steal from you. I snatch away little pieces and sometimes they are chewy and sometimes they are mushy. Often you don't notice because I do it when you are not looking but sometimes I just want your attention. I know that you let a big part of your world circle around me but sometimes it's not enough. So I steal in front of you, I break things in front of you and I make you upset intentionally. I just want your attention, I don't want you to scream and be mad at me. And even though I know you will be, I still do all that. And then you are upset with me. And I am sorry when I see you like this. But I know how to make you like me again. When I scour around your legs, I meow silently and meakly. I put my front paws on your back paws and knead them gently and sometimes I purr because I know how you take comfort and solace from it. But I don't look at you, I am ashamed and feeling guilty, you know. I don't do it until I hear you sigh. And you mumble something that I don't understand, your language is so confusing sometimes. But I know that it's okay because your slender fingers fondle my head so gently that it makes me purr affectionately automatically. I rub my head against your hairless skin because I want more. And you take me up into your arms while you sigh again. You seem a bit somber while you sigh again again. But then I feel your strange, puffy poppy lips against my fur and you inhale my scent. You cuddle closer to me, cradling me in your paws. And you say:  
'What would I do without you?'

I don't know what that means, I only know how it sounds because you always say these words. I am a bit curious what they mean but it doesn't matter as much when you squeeze me tighter and carry me away. You carry me to a more comfortable place, to your bed of the sofa. Maybe the armchair is just enough. And you spend hours grooming me. You shepherd me, you love me with so much care. Kissing and petting, fondling me, you brush my hair with a soft brush or your soft hands or with one of these paw socks that feel really great because they massage me perfectly. But I still like your paws better, they just scratch me in the right places. And sometimes I flop around. I expose myself when I am feeling really good but only then. I show you my stomach and you stroke me with this affectionate gaze in your golden eyes that look just like mine. Your lips curl upwards, it makes me happy, so I let out a little meow. And you just smile wider. I relax with the touch of your paws and I reach out with my own sometimes. Because I want to return the affection. I curl around your arm and I snuggle closer. I feel most comfortable when I do that, because I feel loved. I do it because I trust you. And I don't care in these moments, I willingly let you touch my own paws, I even let you cut my claws without complaining. I let you do that because I feel safe.  
I enjoy every minute of my sleepy days if I spend them with you.

I know that you are relying on me, you have since you were little. But the bigger you grew, the more the world was mean to you. I don't know what all these beings outside did to you but it broke my heart that is so much smaller than yours, to see how you dashed into your room without greeting me. You left wet stains on the floor. And when I sniffed them, when I licked them, I hated them immediately. They tasted gruesome. Although I already knew what they meant. And I came to your room and I scratched a little bit, I made silent noise, meowing for you to hear. I was hurting. And it took you so long to open. But when you did, I looked up to you while your face contorted into this horrendous mask that wanted to scream and I stopped flicking my tail.  
I hated the way you were.  
And you scooped me up into your arms, you were crushing me again when you buried you face in my fur. It was worse than taking a bath. And I heard you whimper in pain. I searched a bit, just where I could reach, but I couldn't find any wounds on you, although you smelled like the clear puddles. And I was confused because the liquid on the floor hadn't been red either, if there weren't any wounds, where were you hurting then? And how could I make it better?  
I was hurting myself when I couldn't help you. And maybe you were feeling like I was then. I understood that it was not an injury they had inflicted on your skin. And I got mad at them that they made you hurt in a place where I couldn't lick the wound. I found that the only thing I could do was to make your tears go away.  
But to my displeasure it wasn't the only time that happened. They were still adding more. It was a long period you regularly came home, crying and I was there again to dry your cheeks.  
I didn't count the times but I still know how many scars you bear on your heart, how much it got torn by others. Because I felt it myself everytime when you were like this again.  
It was a difficult time. With every tear you shed, I could sense that you were closer to giving up. And one day, when you came back, it was worse than strangers invading our home.  
You were not hurrying to your room. You were slowly walking, skulking like when I silently hush through the underbrush. And first I thought your day had been better than all the others but with every step you were dissolving more. It gave me dread more than these green snakes. And I followed you so close behind because I was concerned that you would actually disappear. It felt like I was losing you. But I don't want to lose you. So I followed you into your room but you didn't even notice it, your head was away. And for the first time I saw what you did to yourself, when you were defeated by this world outside.  
I was horrified, the aweful smell that also hung at these clear puddles, was stenching in my nose until it burned.  
I meowed and moved closer but I was careful because you seemed not like yourself. I was scared of you and I was scared for you. But you didn't even notice me then. Only when I nudged my nose against your wet sleeve, when this awful smell almost made me sneeze and the liquid glued my soft fur, sticky with where you wiped your face. I looked at you again when my snout was blotched by your pain and I meowed silently. I could see your face. Your head hadn't been here before but when you heared me there, I could see how it came back. And you began to cry once again. And I only wanted it to stop. So I comforted you, I curled around your arm, licking your wet skin and I looped my tail around your wrist, I was purring, I tried my best. But you were crying more suddenly. I didn't know what else I could do. But you only took me into your arms again. You spread the stinking liquids on my whole body but I wasn't caring for it. I was groomig you as best as I could but you were holding me so tight that I couldn't get all of the wetness. So after I had removed what I could reach, you slowly stopped crying. But you never stopped hurting. Nonetheless did you hold me in front of you. And you gave me a little smile but you looked tired. I was reaching out my paws, meowing when I told you that I would catch all the monsters. You were kissing my head again before you carried me to the washing room. You locked the door behind you and filled the big well with water. I was a bit confused when I understood that you wanted to clean yourself. And I watched when you took off your fur. But I was shocked, shaken when you showed me for the first time in so long how you looked without your fur. You were so thin, had you eaten enough food cans? Your body was horrifying to me.  
I followed you when you sunk into the warm pond. I was willingly getting wet for you, when I climbed onto your knees and let the tip of my tail sink in next to you. I was sitting there and you looked at me with your tender eyes again while you washed away your own stains from my fur. It was a bit wet but I enjoyed the gentle pads of your paws, I purred for you. And you were smiling at me again.  
I licked your wet paws and you slowly lowered your knees. My own paws were getting wet. And I surprised you when I jumped in the water by myself. The mischief in your eyes was suddenly surprised. And I meowed again, laughing at the face you made. Even though I was wet then, I enjoyed the bath we took. Because your smile didn't leave you when we were soaking in the dirty becoming water. We spent a long time in there until you made it flow away and picked me up. You were drying me. Gently you were rubbing the wetness out my hair. And then you dried yourself too and put on your fur again. And then you used this loud pipe, blowing warm air against me. I was dry so fast. You also did it to yourself. And I was waiting patiently for you, when you scooped me up into your arms and carried me to your room. It was dark already when we came out and entered your territory. You left the entrance open for me, just ajar so that I could leave if I wanted to. But because you were still scared and I was still scared for you, I didn't want to. You laid yourself down, covering your terrifying body. You had put me down beside you but I grew a bit cold. And I heared you chuckle when I sneaked in to you, my fur probably had tickled you. I curled up next to your warmth, rolling my tail around your wrist how I so love to do. And I licked the small hollow between your throat and you chest. You tasted a little salty but I enjoyed it all. You didn't smell disgusting anymore. You were not bad anymore. And you fell asleep so fast beside me while I kept watch.

But for a long time the world outside refused to change they way it treated you. It certainly was difficult for you. Because you still are always so shy and reticent. So when you once came home again, to see you showing your pain so clear on the outside, I knew it was dire. It was the worst time out of all of them. I tried my best to be there for you. When you had closed me out of your territory again, I scratched at the wood and I meowed like when I had a cut at my paw that one time. I was hurting just like then. But this time you didn't take long to let me in. This time you took forever. I was waiting there all night and I didn't sleep. I was meowing, begging you to let me in but I never heared a sound from you. I did it until my throat hurt and I couldn't meow anymore. You didn't answer my scratching either. But I couldn't just leave you. What if the monsters that hadn't scared you yet wanted to enter your territory? I couldn't let them through to you. And I sat there and waited, I got a little cold and I curled up. But I never slept.  
And it was bright again when you silently and guiltily opened up your room. My broken voice only let a little meow pass. But when I looked up to you, I almost hissed. You were smelling again. But you smelled worse than any of the other times before, you smelled worse than a dog. And your face was so appalling. You looked like you just came out a territory fight, your face all red and swollen. And your smile was gone on that day. You didn't even crouch down to touch me, not even when I roamed around your legs. You only watched me. And you scared me so much when your eyes were so strange. But I knew why you were so defeated. I hadn't protected you well. I had let some of the monsters slip past myself. And I felt very guilty. I was sad, so I let go of you. But you suddenly were calling my name. I didn't understand the words that you said after my name but you looked so desperate. Your eyes weren't back yet but at least they weren't so strange anymore. And they told me that you needed me. So I came back to you. Because no matter how sad I feel, I can never leave you alone when you need me. And finally, when I reproachfully meowed at you, you took me up and carried me into your room. I was licking your wound cheeks, I was cuddling closer to you, I rubbed my head against the unpleasant redness in your skin, although the disgusting stench was befogging me. And you were talking to me, you seemed so sad but there was a little clearance you spoke with. I silently purred along your gentle voice. You were looking at me questioningly when your words had stopped. I didn't know what you wanted to know from me. But there was a lot I wanted to tell you. I meowed and licked your face again.

I will always be with you, I told you, I will protect you better, so you don't have to fear anymore.  
And finally your lips were curling again. And I prodded my nose against them.  
I love you, did I tell you.

It wasn't easy and it was very hard for me too, to see you this way. But when you changed your fur, the world began to treat you differently. You were still the same. You still are always so reticent and shy. Especially when your parents bring people in, you retreat into your room and play with the window until they are gone. And you don't leave even once. You are like this. But not with all. When these people come over, especially this quirly boy, you show even me a complete new self of you. But I am happy for you. Because you have finally found friends you feel comfortable with. Although I get a little sad again whenever they come. They are someone you can talk with with the same language that I cannot understand. There is so little I know of it.  
I only know your name.  
'Kenma' do they call you, the people that come over sometimes. And you are happy when they call you, I can see your eyes shine. They never do when I call your name. When I call you, you look at me much different. When I call you, your eyes do not shine, your eyes become a little wet and you look like you would cry again. And it scares me still, that your face would be wet like this again. So I stopped to call you. Although you never stopped to call me.

'Kuroo' is what you named me. Do you know how I found out that that is my name? I never knew that this word was now belonging to me, when they took me with them and gave me to you. But I noticed that you always spoke it when you called out to me. But there were a lot of other words you also called out with. But then, one day, I strayed too far from you and it took me a while to find my way back. I mean, it had been an exciting adventure but after some time I wanted to return to you. And when I finally found the stones that I remembered and I found the weird shaped hill between all the others that is still your home, the entrance was closed and I couldn't come in. So I scratched the flat tree with my claws, I did it carefully because you always get upset when I break your things. And I hadn't been with you for more than a day so you must have been very upset with me, I meowed a bit ashamed because I knew that. But I was surprised. When you opened, I heared your footsteps long ago but you still scared me when you opened the entrance so forcefully. I didn't know about what happened but you took me into your arms, you downright crushed me while you buried your little face in my fur. And I felt your tears wet me down to my skin, that's how much you cried. You know that I never really like being wet but for you I endure it. I knew that you were vulnerable and I would have hurt you if I had scrambled away, escaping your warm paws.  
It was then when I realized that between all these words you called out with, 'Kuroo' was the name you had given me as you were crying it out permanently, sometimes it felt as if you were choking on it. And I licked your cheek with my rough tongue. I wasn't trying to pluck out your hair, I just wanted it to stop. Because I know what tears mean. And I don't want you to ever be sad.

But I failed when this terrible time turned you face wet for so long. It is something I still feel guilty about. Although you are now smiling so often and rarely cry anymore.  
You call my name again, "Kuroo," do I hear you call me. And I trudge next to you while you put some four-corners down. You slender fingers point at the papers where you are looking at me with your golden eyes. Your head fur had been dark when you had been a kitten. I still remember that moment, when you held me high above your head and giggled so loud. I was scared when the bright lightning struck.  
It is strange to me to see that day inside these four-corners.  
I look at how little you had been then while your mouth speaks incomprehensable words. You put down even more papers where we are looking back at me, your voice is so happy. I enjoy the sound it has while I watch everything you show to me. And I don't grow tired when it's getting dark outside. You put away the papers with a vanishing smile. It is time to sleep already. And I follow you to your room. I strech out while you change your fur again. Carefully you come to me, you lay down next to me. And I feel your warm hand on my back. You pet me so gently. And it is something that I can't help when I yawn after so many times that I had to protect you.  
But I am still awake before you because I don't sleep. And my stomach is growling louder than when I hiss at an intruder I don't know. I yawn and lick my nose before I meow at you to wake you, I rub my head against your cheek. And you still don't want to open your eyes. But I am hungry, so I get up and lay down on your head. I purr because you are warm on my stomach. You wake much faster when I do it so. And I rub against your legs while you bring me my food. I eat in pleasure while my stomach is getting silent. I am happy. But when I finish and look up at you, I am confused. Because you are just looking at me. I don't see your bowl anywhere, did you eat at all?  
And I remember how horrifying your body had been. And I get scared that you will be so barren and meagre again. I meow at you worriedly, I want to roam around your legs. But suddenly you leave. Don't you want my comfort? I am confused by your behavior while I watch you go to your room, I watch when you will come out again and when you do you are wearing a different fur.

"Kuroo," do I hear you call me and I come to you. I meow, asking you what you want. You scoop me up in your arms, tickling my head slightly. I purr in satisfaction and lean in on your fingers some more. And you carry me away, cradling me in your arms, pressing me to your chest. As if I would decay away, as if you would lose me the way you almost lost yourself to the world. As if it would take me the same way, leaving a scar on your gentle and vulnerable heart. But I know that you can't lose me too. It would be so painful for you, you would cry for sure. But I know that won't happen. And I am happy because we taking a trip, I am happy because you take me to the outside world. Although you put me into this box and carry me to the strange animal that is either more silent than an eating snail or louder than a rooster in the morning.  
You take me to the hill where it smells sharp. We are waiting until someone with bright fur and head fur comes to get us. I don't particularily like it here but you took me here so I can't hate it. Although they are a bit rough when the man with the big hands takes me out the box and puts me on the cold plate. And I recognize his smell, he was here before. I remember it whenever you took me to here before, when I regurgitated something that wasn't a hairball. And I remember that I've heared your upset voice. I didn't like it. I hissed at the female when I heared you talk. You sounded like you were begging. You sounded like you were crying. Although there weren't any tears when I looked at you talking to him like you do now. He speaks to you with this language I never understand. And with every word your eyes become wetter. When he takes the tools I can see the horror in your eyes. I meow as loud as my voice is allowing me to. I am scared of you crying again but when he stops speaking and you look at me I meow again, to comfort you, I tell you that we will make it through this because I am here to protect you from him. Confidently I flick my tail and purr for you.  
And I hear you call my name while I see you cry again.  
You paw touches my head and I lean in, I lick your tips in appreciation, enjoying every little touch of you. I am encouraging you, telling you that it will be fine and that we will be back home faster than you think, trying to award you. I do everything I can to support you. But no matter what I do, your tears won't stop. And I call out to you.

'Kenma,' do I call your name.  
And I see your wet eyes spilling this dreadful liquid. I lift myself up a bit.  
It is only a small gesture, just a little kiss to share when I press my snout against your reddened cheeks.

I love you, do I tell you again.

And you press your chapped lips against my cheek. And I can feel the wetness of your tears against my ear. I am huddling closer, snuggeling up against you to warm you with my body as your own seems to has become so cold again. I feel how you are hugging me tightly. And it hurts a bit because you are squeezing so hard but I understand. That you are just desperate to be warmed up by me again. And I feel how you are shivering. I still know how you kept on crying through that night, even though I wiped your tears away everytime they surfaced and dared to disgrace your face with their ugly source, until you fell asleep. I laid beside you, I didn't sleep at all. And I watched over you so that I could comfort you right away if your peace would be disrupted by a brutal monster. I chased them all away, I hissed at them and I attacked with my sharp claws. Until you could rest again. But there were a few monsters, the most wicked, that I wasn't able to chase away. I failed to protect you from them. And yet you filled me with pride, you still do, when I saw you getting rid of them on your own, even though the nastiest ones still are looming over your shoulders. But you are strong now. You can chase them away on you own too. Because you are no longer afraid like you had been that night. Do you remember? It's a good thing.  
But why are you shedding this horrendous liquid again? You should be smiling that you are able to fight what I couldn't protect you from. But why are you putting your eye water on my fur again? You know I don't like being wet, do you remember all those times you tried to bathe me? You always gave up in the end, I had defeated you so many times. But yet I couldn't have you being so sad, sometimes even on the verge of crying again. And then it was me who was defeated suddenly. I always let you wash me in the end and I don't even complain about it, because even though I don't like being wet, I hate seeing you being wet more and unlike your wetness, mine didn't hurt me, see? It doesn't hurt me. The siringe didn't cause any pain at all, I am not injured, there is no reason for your tears. Yet you seem like you are hurting with a lot of pain, maybe even agonizing, the way you look at me now. I don't know the reason so I wonder why.


End file.
